Growing up that is. Everything about it, to me, is fascinating. How relationships wax and wain, come and go. How you feel about yourself and the world and your place in the world. How complex and yet how simple it all can be.

Last night before I went to bed I picked up the new Ensign mag that came in the mail and started perusing its pages while I waited for Clint to finish his computer game. I came across an article (that I actually still need to finish reading) and read the first couple paragraphs. The gist of the article was agency. I was immediately infuriated. Not about the article but about certain people in my life who have chosen to use their agency in a way that has hurt me very deeply.

So I close the magazine and follow Clint into the kitchen. I began talking to him about this article. I told him that I've never viewed myself as being a strong, independent, leader but yet because of this certain persons choices I've been put in that position. It's a frustrating position to be in when I have so much hurt and anger inside but yet I have to be the best Christlike example/missionary I can be at the same time. Then on top of that I can't even work through my feelings with the person because if I say anything then I'm the big, bad, Michelle, that's out for blood.

I feel like I'm in one of those "Round-a-bout" intersections you see on the road sometimes. How can I be a good missionary to this person who I have so much anger towards? I love them dearly and that is a lot of why I'm so angry, but yet I don't want to know them just in this life. I want them to be with me for eternity. And in order to do that I have to be a good missionary.

I also feel that until this person changes I need to protect my family from them. Which is just one more GIANT log on an all ready blazing fire of emotions for both of us.

Clint's theory was that I just need to be a better compartmentalizer. I need to separate my feelings for the person and our relationship and focus on the person only as a non-member investigator and nothing else. Which isn't a bad idea but I'm women... my emotions are the driving force behind everything I do, think, and say.

I can only guess that the answer to all this is time and growing up and maturing. Which of course in turn requires patience and long suffering, which I'm not so good at. This to me is why growing up is a funny thing. It's usually never what you expect it to be and most the time you don't really realize you're in the midst of it until you come across and ensign article that causes you to stop and think about it. And somehow I get the sneaking suspicion the this whole growing up process is more of an eternal process than a "just while your here" process.