Growing up that is. Everything about it, to me, is fascinating. How relationships wax and wain, come and go. How you feel about yourself and the world and your place in the world. How complex and yet how simple it all can be.

Last night before I went to bed I picked up the new Ensign mag that came in the mail and started perusing its pages while I waited for Clint to finish his computer game. I came across an article (that I actually still need to finish reading) and read the first couple paragraphs. The gist of the article was agency. I was immediately infuriated. Not about the article but about certain people in my life who have chosen to use their agency in a way that has hurt me very deeply.

So I close the magazine and follow Clint into the kitchen. I began talking to him about this article. I told him that I've never viewed myself as being a strong, independent, leader but yet because of this certain persons choices I've been put in that position. It's a frustrating position to be in when I have so much hurt and anger inside but yet I have to be the best Christlike example/missionary I can be at the same time. Then on top of that I can't even work through my feelings with the person because if I say anything then I'm the big, bad, Michelle, that's out for blood.

I feel like I'm in one of those "Round-a-bout" intersections you see on the road sometimes. How can I be a good missionary to this person who I have so much anger towards? I love them dearly and that is a lot of why I'm so angry, but yet I don't want to know them just in this life. I want them to be with me for eternity. And in order to do that I have to be a good missionary.

I also feel that until this person changes I need to protect my family from them. Which is just one more GIANT log on an all ready blazing fire of emotions for both of us.

Clint's theory was that I just need to be a better compartmentalizer. I need to separate my feelings for the person and our relationship and focus on the person only as a non-member investigator and nothing else. Which isn't a bad idea but I'm women... my emotions are the driving force behind everything I do, think, and say.

I can only guess that the answer to all this is time and growing up and maturing. Which of course in turn requires patience and long suffering, which I'm not so good at. This to me is why growing up is a funny thing. It's usually never what you expect it to be and most the time you don't really realize you're in the midst of it until you come across and ensign article that causes you to stop and think about it. And somehow I get the sneaking suspicion the this whole growing up process is more of an eternal process than a "just while your here" process.

For our long weekend Clint and I decided to head up to Vancouver and Victoria BC. It was mostly good but with any family trip there is always at least one hiccup. For us there was a few, like having screaming children waking up my kids until 2:30 in the AM at the hotel we stayed at in downtown Van and then thinking we lost Clint's wallet RIGHT before we were supposed to board the ferry to go to Victoria only to find it and then lose the ferry ticket which meant we had to buy a SECOND $72 ticket, then thinking we lost our iphone on the ferry which turned out to just be in the VERY bottom of the diaper bag (thank goodness!), and because we are still trying to potty train Kailey, driving all over creation to find a WalMart to buy some pants and underwear at because she peed all the ones I packed for her! But over all it was good I'd say. I mean each activity we had planned turned out very well. We went to the aquarium, and I swear I could watch those Beluga whales ALL DAY!! They're by far my favorite! Then we went on a bike ride in Stanley Park. It's so beautiful there it just blows me away every time! Then in Victoria went to the Butchart Gardens of course. That was an experience I doubt I'll ever forget. I just loved being surrounded by so much beauty!

We came home Sunday afternoon and spent Monday catching up the yard work we left behind. My poor little flowers sure were thirsty! I have to admit though as I looked at my garden I couldn't help but think how pathetic it was in comparison to the Butchart Gardens! I was feeling pretty good about my garden until now. LOL!! Anyway here are some pics from the trip.

The Aquarium:









The Butchart Gardens:

Like every other person on the planet, on New Years Eve, I announced my plan to become a better me. That was the ultimate goal with many smaller "sub goals" if you will that all cumulatively amount to me being a better me. One of these goals was for me to lose weight. I started off strong like most people do when they attack a new goal. But like everyone else I also allowed myself to fall off the wagon. After feeling pretty bummed about that I forced myself back onto that weight loss wagon. Then I fell off again when I went on vacation. So basically for the last 5 months I've lost and gained this stupid 5 pounds twice!! It's ridiculous!

So, since being home I've finally been convinced by a good friend to run in a 5k run/walk. It wasn't hard for her to convince me because I've desperately been looking for the inspiration and motivation I need to get back on the path to weight loss. The catch is that the race is on June 6th! That's three weeks away!

I'll admit after talking to her I began to panic a bit. She's been running all most every day for a while now trying to get ready. I've been hit and miss for the last FIVE MONTHS and I only have three weeks to get ready!

So after I put the kids to bed I got on my computer and quickly converted the klicks into miles. 5kilometers is 3.1 miles. That made me feel a bit better mostly because it doesn't sound as far as 5 kilometers. But me being me and I had to test myself to see how much work I'd actually have to do to get ready for this race. So I immediately went upstairs and jumped on my elliptical. I'm proud to say I went 3.2 miles in 30 minutes doing an average of 154 strides per minute. Now in my mind (even though I sweat just as much) the elliptical is kind of cheating because when I'm done working out on it I don't really feel like I've worked out where as on the treadmill I FEEL like I was running and I KNOW I've just worked out. So today I will test myself again and this time I will do it on the treadmill. I'm nervous I wont do as well but I guess at least then I'll REALLY know how much work I have to do.

As a women not only do I have about a million favorite things but my favorite things change with my moods. Today the sun is shinning and I feel good. Last weekend I spent 8 hours in my yard mowing, weeding, and planting. I don't really consider myself a "green thumb" and I'm always a bit nervous about spending money on plants that I may or may not be able to keep alive. But this year I'm rather proud of myself and my yard. After four years of buying annuals (thinking they were perenials)and having them die off each winter only to buy more year after year, I've finally learned what to buy! I'm grateful for knowledgeable and experienced gardeners who have taken the time to write articles to guide newbies like me. I am grateful for the sunshine (mostly because we see it so little out here in Western WA). I am grateful for the rain so that I don't have to hover over my beautiful baby plants every day with a watering can. Coming from Kansas where we have CLAY for dirt I'm especially grateful for soft rich dirt. All these things make it possible for my little flowers to grow. But today my favorite thing is the worms.



I had never given the worms much thought until just last weekend. There I was gardening away with Kailey by my side and of course we came across a worm or two (or three or a few dozen) and at first she was scared of the "Swirlies" (as she calls them). Being three years old she wont accept "they're nice. They can't hurt you. Don't kill them." as an answer to what they are and what they're doing in our dirt. So I spent an hour explaining worms and another hour on a hunt to find and rescue the worms. It was a lot fun and I now have a new found appreciation for worms!

I find that I go through bouts of creativity. It's like I get a bunch of ideas all at once and then no ideas (that I deem creative enough) for a long time. For example, when I first purchased my Nikon D-60 I was obsessed with taking pictures and finding new subjects. Then I stopped for a while. Then I go my Photoshop program with the intention of getting back into my photography. But to be honest I'm a little bored with the lense that's on my camera. I want a new one with a higher power zoom. But lenses are expensive. So needless to say I really haven't been using my "nice" camera as of late.

However I have been playing around with the camera on my iphone quite a bit. The quality of the pictures is not anywhere near the quality of my Nikon, but I've found that in some cases I actually kind of like that. I've also downloaded an app that allows me to play with the colors in the pictures. I know that's probably something I could do in photoshop but if I'm being honest I might as well admit this too, I have no clue how to work that program. After months of trying to "figure it out" on my own I've concluded that I will just need to bite the bullet and take a class. Again I know that altering the colors in a photo is nothing new or even that exciting but it's something I've been want to try and have never done before.

Here is some of what I've done on my iphone:
This is Garrett the day we left the hospital.

Kailey on a trip to the park.

Garrett after his first hair cut.


I have more like these but they're not as good. I'm a sucker for black and white photo's as it is and I think being able to select certain things in the picture to highlight can really make a photo.

Anyway I've had fun playing with the apps on my phone. I think I would have more fun if I could figure out photoshop but I guess this will do for now.

Yesterday I went to the Optometrist. It was the first visit in two years. A long time I know but I was pregnant/having a baby last year so didn't really see the point (no pun intended). I actually didn't think my Rx had changed at all. Now for those of you who don't know, I had a cornea transplant 2 1/2 years ago. The goal obviously being better vision. Before the eye exam I had told the doctor that I really wasn't to terribly impressed because I expected my vision to be much better than what it was. She asked a bunch of questions and did the exam. As it turns out my Rx had changed. Quite dramatically too. I was blown away by the difference to be honest.

Since it had been so long since my last visit and since I have a history of surgery the doc wanted to be very thorough and check EVERYTHING. What ever. After shining blinding me her little mirror and light head gear she asked me if I slept with my eye's open. I simply replied "I don't know. I'm sleeping!" haa haa haa! (I crack my self up!) Of course her next line of questioning was more along the "dry eye" symptoms check list. I asked her why she wanted to know if I slept with my eye's open and she said that I have a pattern of dryness in line on my eye that to her looked like I slept with one eye open.

Before I continue with my post can I just say that Fendi sun glass' really do make the world a brighter place!

And yes I really am this shallow.

I couldn't help but giggle to myself. I must be sub consciencely worried that Clint will "off me" in my sleep for being so "fiscally" abusive (as he puts it) to him!